I think God is brilliant.
I could end there, and probably should. But in a feeble way, I'll stumble on to explain just how brilliant He is.
After closing JP's, I come home exhausted. Unfortunately, in order to keep up on the closing duties at work, my mind must be sharp and aware. It runs through checklists for 4 hours straight; and when I get home, regardless of the ache and tiredness that my body carries, it takes a while to unwind. Usually, I open the fridge, look at the nothingness that's there, and then proceed to the living room to catch up on American Idol or House. It's fairly routine. Sometimes, I'll creep into Jackson's room to cover him up or get tomorrow's (necessary!) coffee ready to brew. But mostly, the hour or two I spend after work is my blessed waste of time; the only time in the week I feel is designated for me to waste.
Tonight, however, I noticed our bedroom light on as a turned into our driveway. When this (rarely) happens, "Josh is up!" instantly pops into my mind and I become giddy and even more alert. This has been a season of our lives where Josh and I sometimes see each other only in passing. Date night occurs about once a month (and our last date night consisted of watching a movie in our cozy basement while I passed out 30 minutes into it). We also have many people in our house at this time in our lives, which mostly has been a blessing; but, you never know at any given hour how many in-laws will be in our home. Even when we could be alone, we normally aren't. When Josh and I sneak any quality time together, we forget how it feels. And it feels great.
I collapsed on the bed next to him and we caught up on the evening. "How was Roo? Did you give him a bath? What time did he go to bed? Did he eat his supper? Did you play? Did you read books?" I insist on every detail of their nights together, even though I'm sometimes thrilled to be out and elsewhere. And after Josh's "How was work?" question routine, we just laid there, looking at each other. It felt strange.
If you've been living on another planet, you might not know that Josh and I have been on a diet for 2 months and he has lost nearly 30 pounds. He looks incredible. Perhaps that is why I couldn't stop looking at his face tonight: it looked different! But, I was mostly looking at his eyes like I did when we were dating. We had the dating relationship that involved eye-gazing, face-studying, long french-kissing, intense glaring, and...when we were inspired...even poem-writing. It was our dramatic ways of expressing one very simple and obvious thought to each other: "I adore you."
This tunneling back to our college days got me thinking about seasons. When we do the "I miss you" routine, especially when we REALLY, really mean it, I am suddenly and surprisingly reassured that it won't be this way forever. Whatever time we're in right now is not going to stay this way. Our children will grow, our mindset will widen, our priorities and perspectives will shift so greatly that we almost won't recognize our lives or even ourselves. This is how I felt tonight, rubbing my face against my flannel pillowcase and looking at Josh: I can't believe the little fraction of a lifetime we have spent together so far has already weathered so many seasons.
It's interesting that this thought hit me on a day where I prematurely began raking the last of the Fall leaves that had been dead and frozen for months in my yard. Seasons. Today was also the day I stumbled across a picture of me from Jack's 1st birthday and...almost literally...didn't recognize myself. Yes, I was bigger then and trying very hard to pretend I wasn't, but I mostly didn't even recognize the spirit in me that the camera somehow captured. Even the smallest camera lens picked up on my isolation, confusion, and frustration I was trying to piece my life together so badly when, in reality, I was an unfinished, discombobulated puzzle. Seasons. And thankfully, seasons change.
I can't believe, knowing what I know about God, that the use of metaphor is unintentional on His part. Or perhaps I like to find it because I'm an English teacher. Still, it's obvious to me how cyclical and yet surprising God is. Our universe has both rhythm and design that is as fascinatingly intricate as our souls. And it also has surprises that keep our lives interesting and give us character. The same window box that held packed snow outside my living room is now holding dirt and seed. It's all a season, and it's particularly helpful to realize that even in the darkest of times, nothing lasts forever except His faithfulness. It will change, we will grow, circumstances will shift both slightly and dramatically. And all of this is because God is brilliant. He's an artist and uses seasons in our lives to fulfill a critical purpose. And when He's done, the snowflakes stop falling, clouds eventually part, and a new dawn arrives.
I don't know what season I'm entering, but I do know that many storms have settled behind me. I continue to struggle with my first year of motherhood and how doubtful I was that I would ever make an exodus out of that season of my life. But God has been faithful, restoring what was wounded and broken and giving me hope and a strong sense of divine direction.
I'm going to put my head back on my flannel pillowcase, thankful for the man breathing (too loudly) next to me and the seasons he has walked through with me. And thankful for a brilliant God who allows my hardships and turns them into sweet, seasonal victories.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
What Insecurity?
I'm in a Bible Study every other Sunday night. It meets in Hudsonville at someone's house, and women from all over the Grand Rapids area crawl out of their lives and into this basement to connect with God and each other. What's so interesting about this group of women is the diversity. I was invited by Stacy many months ago, and I originally pictured the group to consist of women like her: women who love Target, who love old movies, and who host craft nights. This, naturally, seemed like it would be a great fit for me. Immediately, though, I was surprised. These young women truly have one greater thing in common over any hobby or interest, and that's Jesus. I couldn't tell you from the months I've been attending who is close with who, who shops with who, who lunches with who. Usually this is pretty clear with groups of women; even when we have no intention of being divisive, we still manage to hang with our own kind. But, this group has truly been designed by a God who is ultimately creative. Some of us are moms, some are single, some divorced, some dating...but everyone who comes is struggling, in some varietal way, with herself.
The book that was chosen most recently for our study was Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity; You've Been a Bad Friend to Us". When I found out this was our book, I was thrilled. Mainly because Beth Moore had earned my trust as a teacher with her Believing God series.* I need to re-do the Believing God series each year in order to pound in the Truths that my stubbornness and humanity don't always let in. My heart is much more open and accepting than my head seems to be. I even get frustrated with Beth Moore, but in a backwards way. Some of her points and her word choices are so pround, so beautiful, so largely impacting, that I don't know how to respond! And it seems she brushes over them. It's an odd thing to be frustrated that a writer or teacher is TOO right. I only hope that she, as as well as her other readers, have the patience, intelligence, and wisdom to soak in the validity and direction of her advice and observations.
Within my first read, I began searching for a highlighter, fearful that I might lose a thought that is so central to my life right now. (I lose things easily, even my spot in a book). But these thoughts are so True, so helpful and so honest, I needed to make a greater note of them. Some stand still by themselves, steady as rocks, without any commentary needed. Others I felt are better if is elaborated on.
1. "I realized that maybe I don't just doubt myself. Maybe I subconsciously doubt God for using me."
2. "Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. That's where it becomes an art form."
3. "Loss of favor and approval and harmony is excruciating to people with insecurity."
4. "Never think for a moment that pride and self-centeredness have no role in insecurity."
5. "We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met and, therefore, reasonable."
#1--It's difficult to face as a Christian the potential you have as a human being when you're open to all of God's capabilities. Through people, God parted seas and performed healings. (In fact, He still does. All the time.) People are His greatest vessel for contact with brokenness and dysfunction. But I'm constantly doubting my own capabilities. I just don't realize how offensive that has to be to God, who not only created me, but who's hands I put my life into. To say that I'm not good enough is to say He isn't. It's totally backward thinking, but I get stuck in it everyday.
2#--I've always seen the pursuit of perfectionism as ambitious and respectable. That is, until I've seen the people in my life who aim for perfection completely crumble under this pursuit (including myself). But I've never realized the correlation between perfectionism and insecurity. They are close family. I never realized that trying to be perfect is actually a method of compensation.
#3--If you know me at all, then it will be no surprise to you that this statement hurt. But it's something I need to hear, and I need to be secure enough not to cave under conflict or consider it to be my personal responsibility to resolve conflict, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with me.I
#4--No comment.
#5--I believe that I've experienced this truth more than any other mentioned. I'm so blessed in my relationships I don't know what to do with myself! Without realizing it, I become spoiled and even more insecure because these blessings are overly abundant and entirely undeserved. (Josh, by the way, is the greatest example here. To say he is a blessing to me is a sick understatement).
I will continue to wrestle with what other roles insecurity has in my life; and I think this book will cover most relationships and identities that are present in my life right now. And if you've been a victim of my insecurity before, please accept this apology. And pray for me to keep working on it.
*I'm finding out that my spiritual skepticism, in itself, is an enemy to my faith. Often disguised as discernment, this skepticism keeps me locked up and tucked away. I've been exposed to so many authors and teachers over the years, and I spent a portion of my life disgusted by any book that would have the author's portrait, plastic-like and polished, on the front cover. When I went to Family Christian Stores to purchase the book, I felt embarrassed carrying it up to the front, as if it was a Joyce Meyer or Joel Osteen book. (Both, I'm sure, offer many people hope and guidance in their walk with and search for God). I'm learning to swallow this, because ultimately it's my own insecurity (ironically) that bears these feelings. And I'm incredibly proud to say that I own a copy of the glossy book that has a horribly written..and unbearably long...title.
The book that was chosen most recently for our study was Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity; You've Been a Bad Friend to Us". When I found out this was our book, I was thrilled. Mainly because Beth Moore had earned my trust as a teacher with her Believing God series.* I need to re-do the Believing God series each year in order to pound in the Truths that my stubbornness and humanity don't always let in. My heart is much more open and accepting than my head seems to be. I even get frustrated with Beth Moore, but in a backwards way. Some of her points and her word choices are so pround, so beautiful, so largely impacting, that I don't know how to respond! And it seems she brushes over them. It's an odd thing to be frustrated that a writer or teacher is TOO right. I only hope that she, as as well as her other readers, have the patience, intelligence, and wisdom to soak in the validity and direction of her advice and observations.
Within my first read, I began searching for a highlighter, fearful that I might lose a thought that is so central to my life right now. (I lose things easily, even my spot in a book). But these thoughts are so True, so helpful and so honest, I needed to make a greater note of them. Some stand still by themselves, steady as rocks, without any commentary needed. Others I felt are better if is elaborated on.
1. "I realized that maybe I don't just doubt myself. Maybe I subconsciously doubt God for using me."
2. "Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. That's where it becomes an art form."
3. "Loss of favor and approval and harmony is excruciating to people with insecurity."
4. "Never think for a moment that pride and self-centeredness have no role in insecurity."
5. "We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met and, therefore, reasonable."
#1--It's difficult to face as a Christian the potential you have as a human being when you're open to all of God's capabilities. Through people, God parted seas and performed healings. (In fact, He still does. All the time.) People are His greatest vessel for contact with brokenness and dysfunction. But I'm constantly doubting my own capabilities. I just don't realize how offensive that has to be to God, who not only created me, but who's hands I put my life into. To say that I'm not good enough is to say He isn't. It's totally backward thinking, but I get stuck in it everyday.
2#--I've always seen the pursuit of perfectionism as ambitious and respectable. That is, until I've seen the people in my life who aim for perfection completely crumble under this pursuit (including myself). But I've never realized the correlation between perfectionism and insecurity. They are close family. I never realized that trying to be perfect is actually a method of compensation.
#3--If you know me at all, then it will be no surprise to you that this statement hurt. But it's something I need to hear, and I need to be secure enough not to cave under conflict or consider it to be my personal responsibility to resolve conflict, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with me.I
#4--No comment.
#5--I believe that I've experienced this truth more than any other mentioned. I'm so blessed in my relationships I don't know what to do with myself! Without realizing it, I become spoiled and even more insecure because these blessings are overly abundant and entirely undeserved. (Josh, by the way, is the greatest example here. To say he is a blessing to me is a sick understatement).
I will continue to wrestle with what other roles insecurity has in my life; and I think this book will cover most relationships and identities that are present in my life right now. And if you've been a victim of my insecurity before, please accept this apology. And pray for me to keep working on it.
*I'm finding out that my spiritual skepticism, in itself, is an enemy to my faith. Often disguised as discernment, this skepticism keeps me locked up and tucked away. I've been exposed to so many authors and teachers over the years, and I spent a portion of my life disgusted by any book that would have the author's portrait, plastic-like and polished, on the front cover. When I went to Family Christian Stores to purchase the book, I felt embarrassed carrying it up to the front, as if it was a Joyce Meyer or Joel Osteen book. (Both, I'm sure, offer many people hope and guidance in their walk with and search for God). I'm learning to swallow this, because ultimately it's my own insecurity (ironically) that bears these feelings. And I'm incredibly proud to say that I own a copy of the glossy book that has a horribly written..and unbearably long...title.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Frailty
Saturday mornings at JP's are busy with chatter, coffee spills, counting change, long lines, and moving through laughing crowds. The energy is alive and familiarity feels tangible. 80% of these weekenders of regular customers, ordering the same half-caff, skim, easy-on-the-syrup drinks they do every single Saturday. I look forward to this shift--and even prefer it--because of the bubbly people and the casualty that the weekend brings. (During the week, people order coffee because the need it to survive the big meeting or because they are running late for work. On the weekend, they slept in an extra hour and are there because they can go for the 20 oz. drink and take their time).
I remember first telling Josh of my favorite customers over a year ago. A warm, friendly dad brought his two children, a boy about 9 and a girl about 5 or 6 years old, in for breakfast. I used to think that he was letting Mom sleep in each week, but over time I eventually discovered this gentleman was a single father. The way he treated his children, I thought, is exactly what I hope to emulate as a parent. Spencer, the son, was the cutest boy I'd ever seen. I used to tell him that I wanted Jack to be just like him. He looked exactly like his dad. You could instantly tell they were buddies. And Emalee was the sweetest, most innocent child I'd ever been around. Her hair was always parted perfectly with a strategic bow or barette placed over the rubber bands of her pig tails. I found their trio so special, so inspiring. And I had so much respect for Rick, the hero of a dad who could melt any heart of stone. Being around him simply made me want to be a better person. I believe people are placed in our lives like this as messages from God; the connections of the human spirit are so deep and beautiful that words do not belong on them. I can't explain why I felt so drawn to this family, but every Saturday morning, I couldn't wait to see them put their coats on the black chairs of JP's.
At work this morning, as I'm opening the store and stocking the lids, I mention to a co-worker how thrilled I am that I would get to see my favorite customers. It had been three weeks, which was probably the longest it had been that I had seen them in over a year. She tells me the words that have haunted me all day: "Yeah, Bec. Rick died. He fell at his house." My response was so instaneous: "No. No. No. No." ...grabbing my throat because I'm losing air... "No way. You have to be thinking of someone else! Please!" She continues with more information about the incident, leaving me gasping for air and feeling like my entire reality is somehow crashing down around me.
I wasn't particularly close to this family. In fact, I wasn't close at all; I merely watched their interactions from a distance, absorbing their affection from afar. But, I was, in one instant, so deeply affected by grief I had nothing to do but run. I ran to the back room, pacing back and forth as the tears fell. I crouched down, as if that would help, holding my knees and rocking. I pictured Rick's face, the face that drew me in with kindness. I couldn't believe---can't believe---this wonderful man is gone.
The grief I'm experiencing is of course for Rick, for his amazing life as an ER nurse, for the thousands of lives I imagine he made better simply by being in them. But, my deepest concerns, the part that shakes my bones, is thinking about his children. It is baffling to me that God would allow such an incident to occur when all He had to do was simply break a fall. These children will never sit on their daddy's lap or come to JP's with him for Saturday breakfast and hot chocolate. It's unfair. It will never be fair. And I have to live on remembering that Spencer and Emalee will grow up, graduate college, get married...orphaned from their dad.
Maybe we all need to realize now and again not just how precious life is, but how fragile it is as well. Each of us walks up and down stairs, in and out of doors, around corners...that could change the course of our life or even threaten it, at any moment. To say that each moment is a gift is such a cliched understatement, I almost didn't want to mention it. But, it's a message that is so desperately worth mentioning and even more worth heeding.
I would give all I have in order for Spencer and Emalee to have their dad. Without even knowing him, I would cut off a limb to bring him back to his family, back where he belongs. But I am prayerful that as his children ache for their daddy, they find their Heavenly one instead. I am hopeful that they remember how special their dad was, and that they grow to connect with him even though he is Elsewhere. And I'm trying to be thankful for everything I have, none of which I deserve, and the frailty of the lives that are most precious to me.
I remember first telling Josh of my favorite customers over a year ago. A warm, friendly dad brought his two children, a boy about 9 and a girl about 5 or 6 years old, in for breakfast. I used to think that he was letting Mom sleep in each week, but over time I eventually discovered this gentleman was a single father. The way he treated his children, I thought, is exactly what I hope to emulate as a parent. Spencer, the son, was the cutest boy I'd ever seen. I used to tell him that I wanted Jack to be just like him. He looked exactly like his dad. You could instantly tell they were buddies. And Emalee was the sweetest, most innocent child I'd ever been around. Her hair was always parted perfectly with a strategic bow or barette placed over the rubber bands of her pig tails. I found their trio so special, so inspiring. And I had so much respect for Rick, the hero of a dad who could melt any heart of stone. Being around him simply made me want to be a better person. I believe people are placed in our lives like this as messages from God; the connections of the human spirit are so deep and beautiful that words do not belong on them. I can't explain why I felt so drawn to this family, but every Saturday morning, I couldn't wait to see them put their coats on the black chairs of JP's.
At work this morning, as I'm opening the store and stocking the lids, I mention to a co-worker how thrilled I am that I would get to see my favorite customers. It had been three weeks, which was probably the longest it had been that I had seen them in over a year. She tells me the words that have haunted me all day: "Yeah, Bec. Rick died. He fell at his house." My response was so instaneous: "No. No. No. No." ...grabbing my throat because I'm losing air... "No way. You have to be thinking of someone else! Please!" She continues with more information about the incident, leaving me gasping for air and feeling like my entire reality is somehow crashing down around me.
I wasn't particularly close to this family. In fact, I wasn't close at all; I merely watched their interactions from a distance, absorbing their affection from afar. But, I was, in one instant, so deeply affected by grief I had nothing to do but run. I ran to the back room, pacing back and forth as the tears fell. I crouched down, as if that would help, holding my knees and rocking. I pictured Rick's face, the face that drew me in with kindness. I couldn't believe---can't believe---this wonderful man is gone.
The grief I'm experiencing is of course for Rick, for his amazing life as an ER nurse, for the thousands of lives I imagine he made better simply by being in them. But, my deepest concerns, the part that shakes my bones, is thinking about his children. It is baffling to me that God would allow such an incident to occur when all He had to do was simply break a fall. These children will never sit on their daddy's lap or come to JP's with him for Saturday breakfast and hot chocolate. It's unfair. It will never be fair. And I have to live on remembering that Spencer and Emalee will grow up, graduate college, get married...orphaned from their dad.
Maybe we all need to realize now and again not just how precious life is, but how fragile it is as well. Each of us walks up and down stairs, in and out of doors, around corners...that could change the course of our life or even threaten it, at any moment. To say that each moment is a gift is such a cliched understatement, I almost didn't want to mention it. But, it's a message that is so desperately worth mentioning and even more worth heeding.
I would give all I have in order for Spencer and Emalee to have their dad. Without even knowing him, I would cut off a limb to bring him back to his family, back where he belongs. But I am prayerful that as his children ache for their daddy, they find their Heavenly one instead. I am hopeful that they remember how special their dad was, and that they grow to connect with him even though he is Elsewhere. And I'm trying to be thankful for everything I have, none of which I deserve, and the frailty of the lives that are most precious to me.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Michigan!
I decided to revert back to my old habit of throwing on tennis shoes mid-evening and going for a 'quick' run on a pre-determined, overly familiar route. In Michigan, January and February (and, oh lord, even March) can become so dreary that the collective mood is as gray and dead as the clouds that loom above us. But, occasionally, there will be a winter day that the sun decides to show up for and the icicles no longer look like daggers, but rather like melting popsicles. The sky is blue again, and you can actually tell where one cloud ends and another begins. Days like this are so preciously rare that strangers begin to converse, which, in February, is almost like giving someone you've never met a love note. The sun is bold and proud, and color glows everywhere distinguishably. It becomes beautiful again.
The summers here in Holland are unmatched. In fact, during the summer, I can't believe anyone would even bother living in the bi-peninsular state unless they were settled on the west side. Life is bursting from the lighthouses; and restaurants are packed with people with sunburn, open shirts, and sandy feet. The Grand Rapids is surprisingly artsy, so there are outdoor fairs or displays to attend weekly throughout the summer. Everyone responds to the weather with such gratitude, making up for the months they spent in hibernation.
Having married a Michigander, I've heard about how wonderful Michigan is for years. Josh even published a book about our state because he loved the idea of promoting it and having an excuse to experience more of it. (Case in point: taking his pregnant wife to the U.P. for a 'babymoon' before Jack was born. This is not a Texan's idea of a good time). For years, I overlooked the beauty that is here because I didn't have windshield wipers to get rid of the snow. It's all I could see. I couldn't appreciate the sailboats on Lake Macatawa because, in a few months, I'd have to start my car an hour before driving it and watch my house become an igloo.
Today was the unique compromise of the two polarized seasons, and it's this kind of day that I live for. The air was crisp enough to make breathing fluid and effortless throughout my run, and instead of looking down at my next step--fearing that I'd land on black ice and fall backward--I was able to look ahead at the long stretch of sidewalk that my feet couldn't cover fast enough. The tree branches that hung above me were picturesque with the sun rays poking through the holes. Even when my ipod would shuffle to a disappointing 90s tune (normally this gives me an excuse to stop, rest, and find a worthy song), I couldn't help but run faster and farther with an ear-to-ear smile on my face. I felt like I was slicing the wind, blowing in its gusts past the same stores and buildings I've run by a thousand times; but today, I noticed.
I only wish I could create this happiness when the sun is hiding, giving its love to wiser states who chose to be down south. Like many things in my life, when I run in the winter, I'm so consumed by the next block of sidewalk, the next patch of ice or melted puddle, that the run has very little contentment. All I see is gray; all I'm concerned about is my next little step or frozen finger tips. I don't even think to try a new street, notice a 'for sale' sign, or watch kids making snow angels. I honestly believe I miss half of my life because my eyes are down, not up. My sky is gray, not blue. My belief that the sun is still there is small and useless.
Today was a reminder to all of us that the sun IS coming! But regardless of what is going on around me, I'm going to miss most of it if I'm only looking at my tiny next step.
The summers here in Holland are unmatched. In fact, during the summer, I can't believe anyone would even bother living in the bi-peninsular state unless they were settled on the west side. Life is bursting from the lighthouses; and restaurants are packed with people with sunburn, open shirts, and sandy feet. The Grand Rapids is surprisingly artsy, so there are outdoor fairs or displays to attend weekly throughout the summer. Everyone responds to the weather with such gratitude, making up for the months they spent in hibernation.
Having married a Michigander, I've heard about how wonderful Michigan is for years. Josh even published a book about our state because he loved the idea of promoting it and having an excuse to experience more of it. (Case in point: taking his pregnant wife to the U.P. for a 'babymoon' before Jack was born. This is not a Texan's idea of a good time). For years, I overlooked the beauty that is here because I didn't have windshield wipers to get rid of the snow. It's all I could see. I couldn't appreciate the sailboats on Lake Macatawa because, in a few months, I'd have to start my car an hour before driving it and watch my house become an igloo.
Today was the unique compromise of the two polarized seasons, and it's this kind of day that I live for. The air was crisp enough to make breathing fluid and effortless throughout my run, and instead of looking down at my next step--fearing that I'd land on black ice and fall backward--I was able to look ahead at the long stretch of sidewalk that my feet couldn't cover fast enough. The tree branches that hung above me were picturesque with the sun rays poking through the holes. Even when my ipod would shuffle to a disappointing 90s tune (normally this gives me an excuse to stop, rest, and find a worthy song), I couldn't help but run faster and farther with an ear-to-ear smile on my face. I felt like I was slicing the wind, blowing in its gusts past the same stores and buildings I've run by a thousand times; but today, I noticed.
I only wish I could create this happiness when the sun is hiding, giving its love to wiser states who chose to be down south. Like many things in my life, when I run in the winter, I'm so consumed by the next block of sidewalk, the next patch of ice or melted puddle, that the run has very little contentment. All I see is gray; all I'm concerned about is my next little step or frozen finger tips. I don't even think to try a new street, notice a 'for sale' sign, or watch kids making snow angels. I honestly believe I miss half of my life because my eyes are down, not up. My sky is gray, not blue. My belief that the sun is still there is small and useless.
Today was a reminder to all of us that the sun IS coming! But regardless of what is going on around me, I'm going to miss most of it if I'm only looking at my tiny next step.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Josh and I began the search for a new church home 4 weeks ago. Let me take you back a bit before explaining why this is so important.
Josh and I were both pastor's kids, both raised to know and love Jesus, both grew up in several church homes and were over-familiarized with youth group songs and common liturgy. I believe, somehow, we both maintained an innocent, dependent love for God despite our over-exposure to hypocrites, politics, and pious religious debate. We made our way through college trying to help each other answer questions about faith, doctrine, and other religious wonderings that college courses are supposed to dig up. We wandered down paths of lingering questions and human wisdom, straying from our home base of the Christian message. We did this at different times, one being the anchor for the other when we were drifting, allowing a new idea or trend serve as the current for our spiritual direction.
Somehow, even through the pain and discomfort that doubt was creating, we found solace in Mars Hill and especially our pastor (you might know of him...), Rob Bell. There were times in college when we couldn't even proudly proclaim we were Christians; but, in the gray chairs of the Mars Hill auditorium on Sunday mornings, God found us. At least, he found me. My spiritual life was dying, but I could water it just a bit, just enough, at Mars Hill. My foundation in Christ was still there, buried underneath the weight of doubt and worry.
When we moved to Colorado, Josh and I were convinced that there was no church like Mars Hill (I still believe that), and it almost wasn't even worth looking for a church elsewhere. (I don't have time in this post to address how spiritually flawed and deeply misguided that thinking is). It took us a while to land at Flatirons Community Church in Lafayette, CO. There, God opened my eyes to the Church at large and taught me that He is bigger than any one religion or institution, and that His followers are supposed to look for Him in ALL things, EVERYWHERE. Flatrions is uncompromising when it comes to the Gospel, so I was able to widen the perimeters of my heart and make more room for the Good News that Jesus was still, in fact, my Savior.
Having spent 2 years opening up this reality, learning from new teachers, and accepting more of God's grace...returning to Michigan was almost spiritually frightening. I felt as if I was going to go backwards. (Again...FLAWED thinking). Once we got all cozy in the mitten that is now our home state, we returned to Mars Hill. Except, when YOU have changed, everything that is from the past looks different, and it even feels different when you try it on. Josh and I clapped our hands to the music, prayed earnestly during church, and had a decent discussion about the sermon on the 20 minute drive home. Once we arrived, we'd close the car doors, go inside the house, make lunch, and move on with our lives.
Whatever had been alive in us spiritually was struggling to grow, merely holding on to the small drops of water we gave it each week. Josh blogged, Facebooked, and read magazine articles about religion, religious politics, a new Jesus trend, or anything else that had a spiritual echo. I completed a Beth Moore study during this time, hoping God would tear down the walls of my mediocre, controlled spiritual room. In some senses, He did. And I know that Josh's interest in religion, at its core, is/was to pursue God through examining other pursuits and understandings (or misunderstandings) of what is ultimately REAL and True. Not all good things, not all bad...but all WAY too reliant on our own interests and interpretations.
Eventually, something grew stale. When Jackson was born, a spiritual awareness shifted. (I can't imagine it NOT, considering Jackson is the most important gift God has entrusted to us thus far). The staleness became almost moldy. What was familiar and comfortable was no longer challenging. We began to talk about looking for a new church.*
This morning was our 4th Sunday at Engedi Church, and we've committed to giving each church that we "try" a 6-week period of faithful attendance and prayer. The reason I felt so moved to mention our spiritual past (which is the tip of the iceberg) is because today I felt like it was a turning point toward our spiritual future. Occasionally, even through the seasons of drought, I will have the connection with God through worship that is so beautifully intimate, I don't know what to do with myself. Literally. I want to dance, but not weirdly. I want to sing, but not loudly. I want to cry, but not hysterically. Yet my emotional consciousness dissolves into a puddle of tears, and I surrender.
Today, it was the line from "In Christ Alone" that reads "From life's first cry to final breath / Jesus commands my destiny" that did me in. We'd just heard an amazing sermon about mystic activism...the way in which Christians must have a spiritual belief in Christ as God's son and allow that belief and reliance to bear fruit of action and response. This message was powerful to me (and the congregation added it's fair share of "Amen"s!). But when I sang the line about the first cry...and the final breath...I couldn't help but--in one instant--be completely overwhelmed and overtaken by three connected ideas: 1. I love Jackson and would give my life for him 2. God loves me enough to give His life for me and 3. Jackson's existence is nothing short of a blessing given to me by my Living and Heavenly Father. As you can imagine, experiencing these feelings in one colliding second can bring a person...especially, perhaps, a mother...to tears of joy, surrender, and love.
I'm unsure what church family will eventually be ours. And I'm pretty sure I'll have yet another season of drought, doubt, and spiritual distance in my life. But, tonight, I'm so amazingly grateful for the Grace that is given to me, freely and openly. That God is patient enough with me and loving enough to provide both coves of spiritual rest as well as long, sandy stretches of spiritual endurance. I'm most especially grateful that the greatest Gift I could ever ask for is downstairs, sleeping in dinosaur pjs that say "Snore-a-saurus". And I'm grateful for Mars Hill, Flatirons, and Engedi, each for their own unique response to God's callings. It has been an honor to attend each place, watching the seeds of Jesus being planted all around. It will also be interesting to watch where God places our family, which we'll only know in time.
Regardless of where our church family is, I'm so thankful that revival is here, Jesus is coming, and while I'm here for the blink in eternity that is my life, I get to spend it pursuing God with Josh and Jack, experiencing Him in the daily miracles of making pancakes, playing hide-n-seek, and butterfly kisses. The tears that poured during "In Christ Alone" are hopefully similar to the ones that will fall at my 'final breath': tears of thankfulness, awe, painful awareness, and most importantly, tears of Love.
*This post, or any other for that matter, is not intended to--in any way--draw people away from Mars Hill. I believe it's wonderful, and I'm continually amazed by the fruit of the Mars Hill community in the world. I'm sure I'll always feel that way.
Josh and I were both pastor's kids, both raised to know and love Jesus, both grew up in several church homes and were over-familiarized with youth group songs and common liturgy. I believe, somehow, we both maintained an innocent, dependent love for God despite our over-exposure to hypocrites, politics, and pious religious debate. We made our way through college trying to help each other answer questions about faith, doctrine, and other religious wonderings that college courses are supposed to dig up. We wandered down paths of lingering questions and human wisdom, straying from our home base of the Christian message. We did this at different times, one being the anchor for the other when we were drifting, allowing a new idea or trend serve as the current for our spiritual direction.
Somehow, even through the pain and discomfort that doubt was creating, we found solace in Mars Hill and especially our pastor (you might know of him...), Rob Bell. There were times in college when we couldn't even proudly proclaim we were Christians; but, in the gray chairs of the Mars Hill auditorium on Sunday mornings, God found us. At least, he found me. My spiritual life was dying, but I could water it just a bit, just enough, at Mars Hill. My foundation in Christ was still there, buried underneath the weight of doubt and worry.
When we moved to Colorado, Josh and I were convinced that there was no church like Mars Hill (I still believe that), and it almost wasn't even worth looking for a church elsewhere. (I don't have time in this post to address how spiritually flawed and deeply misguided that thinking is). It took us a while to land at Flatirons Community Church in Lafayette, CO. There, God opened my eyes to the Church at large and taught me that He is bigger than any one religion or institution, and that His followers are supposed to look for Him in ALL things, EVERYWHERE. Flatrions is uncompromising when it comes to the Gospel, so I was able to widen the perimeters of my heart and make more room for the Good News that Jesus was still, in fact, my Savior.
Having spent 2 years opening up this reality, learning from new teachers, and accepting more of God's grace...returning to Michigan was almost spiritually frightening. I felt as if I was going to go backwards. (Again...FLAWED thinking). Once we got all cozy in the mitten that is now our home state, we returned to Mars Hill. Except, when YOU have changed, everything that is from the past looks different, and it even feels different when you try it on. Josh and I clapped our hands to the music, prayed earnestly during church, and had a decent discussion about the sermon on the 20 minute drive home. Once we arrived, we'd close the car doors, go inside the house, make lunch, and move on with our lives.
Whatever had been alive in us spiritually was struggling to grow, merely holding on to the small drops of water we gave it each week. Josh blogged, Facebooked, and read magazine articles about religion, religious politics, a new Jesus trend, or anything else that had a spiritual echo. I completed a Beth Moore study during this time, hoping God would tear down the walls of my mediocre, controlled spiritual room. In some senses, He did. And I know that Josh's interest in religion, at its core, is/was to pursue God through examining other pursuits and understandings (or misunderstandings) of what is ultimately REAL and True. Not all good things, not all bad...but all WAY too reliant on our own interests and interpretations.
Eventually, something grew stale. When Jackson was born, a spiritual awareness shifted. (I can't imagine it NOT, considering Jackson is the most important gift God has entrusted to us thus far). The staleness became almost moldy. What was familiar and comfortable was no longer challenging. We began to talk about looking for a new church.*
This morning was our 4th Sunday at Engedi Church, and we've committed to giving each church that we "try" a 6-week period of faithful attendance and prayer. The reason I felt so moved to mention our spiritual past (which is the tip of the iceberg) is because today I felt like it was a turning point toward our spiritual future. Occasionally, even through the seasons of drought, I will have the connection with God through worship that is so beautifully intimate, I don't know what to do with myself. Literally. I want to dance, but not weirdly. I want to sing, but not loudly. I want to cry, but not hysterically. Yet my emotional consciousness dissolves into a puddle of tears, and I surrender.
Today, it was the line from "In Christ Alone" that reads "From life's first cry to final breath / Jesus commands my destiny" that did me in. We'd just heard an amazing sermon about mystic activism...the way in which Christians must have a spiritual belief in Christ as God's son and allow that belief and reliance to bear fruit of action and response. This message was powerful to me (and the congregation added it's fair share of "Amen"s!). But when I sang the line about the first cry...and the final breath...I couldn't help but--in one instant--be completely overwhelmed and overtaken by three connected ideas: 1. I love Jackson and would give my life for him 2. God loves me enough to give His life for me and 3. Jackson's existence is nothing short of a blessing given to me by my Living and Heavenly Father. As you can imagine, experiencing these feelings in one colliding second can bring a person...especially, perhaps, a mother...to tears of joy, surrender, and love.
I'm unsure what church family will eventually be ours. And I'm pretty sure I'll have yet another season of drought, doubt, and spiritual distance in my life. But, tonight, I'm so amazingly grateful for the Grace that is given to me, freely and openly. That God is patient enough with me and loving enough to provide both coves of spiritual rest as well as long, sandy stretches of spiritual endurance. I'm most especially grateful that the greatest Gift I could ever ask for is downstairs, sleeping in dinosaur pjs that say "Snore-a-saurus". And I'm grateful for Mars Hill, Flatirons, and Engedi, each for their own unique response to God's callings. It has been an honor to attend each place, watching the seeds of Jesus being planted all around. It will also be interesting to watch where God places our family, which we'll only know in time.
Regardless of where our church family is, I'm so thankful that revival is here, Jesus is coming, and while I'm here for the blink in eternity that is my life, I get to spend it pursuing God with Josh and Jack, experiencing Him in the daily miracles of making pancakes, playing hide-n-seek, and butterfly kisses. The tears that poured during "In Christ Alone" are hopefully similar to the ones that will fall at my 'final breath': tears of thankfulness, awe, painful awareness, and most importantly, tears of Love.
*This post, or any other for that matter, is not intended to--in any way--draw people away from Mars Hill. I believe it's wonderful, and I'm continually amazed by the fruit of the Mars Hill community in the world. I'm sure I'll always feel that way.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Substitute Teaching
I canceled my substitute teaching job for tomorrow. This is not normal and perhaps it's even frowned upon, but let me assure you it was for my own good. Not all sub jobs leave me feeling deflated and mentally limp by 3 p.m. But this particular group of eighth graders has the ability to take every ounce of energy I have (which, if you know me, is a lot), suck it right out of me, and then keep taking energy from me so I'm deep in the negatives. It takes a good 12 hours for me to come back to zero on days like this.
Why am I subbing? Well, most days I will tell you it's an investment. Other days I'll tell you because I really want to. And still others I'll tell you I haven't a clue. Most of the time, I'm floating somewhere in the middle of this triad.
Teaching has been a part of my life since I was a little girl. My clearest memories of childhood play involve a classroom full of stuffed animals, a mini-chalkboard, and my mom's pencil skirt and heels. I sent more pretend friends to detention than time-out. In high school, I considered being a musician, actor, roadie, psychologist, wedding planner and professional student. But I always saw a classroom ahead of me full of eager minds and stories waiting to jump out of textbooks and into discussions.
Every new teacher battles idealism and expectation during the first few years. You want to be the teacher with the cozy chair, the stereo, the aura of a poetry reading. You want to be endlessly available to talk about break-ups, a B-, or a dominating parent. The "open-door" policy, the "I'm available anytime you need me" mentality is refreshing and admirable. I do believe it can be achieved, but not to the extent that new college graduate anticipates.
The dim realities of teaching school overshadow the sparks, ah-ha moments, and victories. Like most things, teaching requires you to have thick skin, big perspective, and the ability to let the little things go. I've developed the first two quite well, especially while subbing. But the third will probably always be difficult for me.
As a person who wants so desperately to see the good in everyone, it's extremely challenging when I feel like there is little to no good about a student to curses me out, throws a pair of scissors across the room, or walks out to leave, communicating that he/she has no respect for an educator or an education. It's disheartening and burdens me beyond what it probably should. Even as a substitute--where I have very little impact on these lives because I see them inconsistently and infrequently--I want to enter their lives and help their problems. I want to meet the needs of every student, open their world a little more and let a bit of potential shine in. I also want to dynamically captivate them. But most of the time, when I'm standing alone before this muddy audience, I can barely make through a sentence without an interjection like "Keep it down, guys" or "Bring that note up here." Or worse, "I'm not tolerating that. Get outta here and take your stuff." It's difficult to lead when you're deliberately being tripped or struck down.
This year, I've been reforming my views on education. I won't address that now; but it's impossible to observe a squeaky wheel every week without at least desiring to put some oil on it. Public school has a long way to go. And I'm thrilled that my life is pulling me slowly back to the classroom, where I belong. But until then, I will perform my duties as a substitute teacher (that is, when I don't cancel assignments) the best I can without allowing the weight of school day to sit on my shoulders the entire evening. I don't trust my ability to do that tomorrow, so instead I'll be designing pieces for Karla's place, feeling guilty that I'm not stumbling through a history lesson in front of defiant, rowdy teenagers.
I can only hope and pray that our politicians, our teachers, and the parents of every child in every school are going to sleep well tonight and wake up ready to change the world. That's what school is intended to do: prepare. Tomorrow, however, I'll be drinking coffee, tending to my needy child, and changing the world one diaper at a time.
Why am I subbing? Well, most days I will tell you it's an investment. Other days I'll tell you because I really want to. And still others I'll tell you I haven't a clue. Most of the time, I'm floating somewhere in the middle of this triad.
Teaching has been a part of my life since I was a little girl. My clearest memories of childhood play involve a classroom full of stuffed animals, a mini-chalkboard, and my mom's pencil skirt and heels. I sent more pretend friends to detention than time-out. In high school, I considered being a musician, actor, roadie, psychologist, wedding planner and professional student. But I always saw a classroom ahead of me full of eager minds and stories waiting to jump out of textbooks and into discussions.
Every new teacher battles idealism and expectation during the first few years. You want to be the teacher with the cozy chair, the stereo, the aura of a poetry reading. You want to be endlessly available to talk about break-ups, a B-, or a dominating parent. The "open-door" policy, the "I'm available anytime you need me" mentality is refreshing and admirable. I do believe it can be achieved, but not to the extent that new college graduate anticipates.
The dim realities of teaching school overshadow the sparks, ah-ha moments, and victories. Like most things, teaching requires you to have thick skin, big perspective, and the ability to let the little things go. I've developed the first two quite well, especially while subbing. But the third will probably always be difficult for me.
As a person who wants so desperately to see the good in everyone, it's extremely challenging when I feel like there is little to no good about a student to curses me out, throws a pair of scissors across the room, or walks out to leave, communicating that he/she has no respect for an educator or an education. It's disheartening and burdens me beyond what it probably should. Even as a substitute--where I have very little impact on these lives because I see them inconsistently and infrequently--I want to enter their lives and help their problems. I want to meet the needs of every student, open their world a little more and let a bit of potential shine in. I also want to dynamically captivate them. But most of the time, when I'm standing alone before this muddy audience, I can barely make through a sentence without an interjection like "Keep it down, guys" or "Bring that note up here." Or worse, "I'm not tolerating that. Get outta here and take your stuff." It's difficult to lead when you're deliberately being tripped or struck down.
This year, I've been reforming my views on education. I won't address that now; but it's impossible to observe a squeaky wheel every week without at least desiring to put some oil on it. Public school has a long way to go. And I'm thrilled that my life is pulling me slowly back to the classroom, where I belong. But until then, I will perform my duties as a substitute teacher (that is, when I don't cancel assignments) the best I can without allowing the weight of school day to sit on my shoulders the entire evening. I don't trust my ability to do that tomorrow, so instead I'll be designing pieces for Karla's place, feeling guilty that I'm not stumbling through a history lesson in front of defiant, rowdy teenagers.
I can only hope and pray that our politicians, our teachers, and the parents of every child in every school are going to sleep well tonight and wake up ready to change the world. That's what school is intended to do: prepare. Tomorrow, however, I'll be drinking coffee, tending to my needy child, and changing the world one diaper at a time.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Biology
I found out today that good friends of ours are pregnant with their second child. They're first child is 3. I discovered the news at church, when the husband was cradling a friend's 6 month old. He leaned over to tell me that he needed to get used to this again; he'd be cradling a lot in 6 months. I filled with glee, opened my arms to give them both a hug. The news of other people having a baby makes me elated. I watch my friends' pregnancies closer than I did my own not only because I love my friends as family; but also because there's a part of me that wants to live vicariously through them, possibly as a way to skip over my own experience of having to go through it again someday.
There were things I loved about being pregnant, but my son is 18 months old and there isn't a single day...not one...where I'm not reminded of the difficulty of my pregnancy and the aftermath of my postpartum period. I have no interest in whining about it anymore. I don't even wish it was different. There is no way I could be the mother and person I am today if God didn't deliberately pull the rug out from under me. There's no way a controlling person can unlearn control unless it is taken from her. Completely. I feel like I started over, from scratch, rebuilding who I am, what's important to me, and where my life is going.
I can't say I've arrived at Who I'm Supposed to Be. I honestly don't think I ever will while Jesus is Lord (which, if you didn't know, is forever). I won't be That Person until I'm with Him. But, while I'm here, living the blessed life of Josh's wife, Jackson's mother, and everything else I am...I feel like I have recently found a wholeness that I couldn't feel before. Undoubtedly, this feeling is from and of God, but it also involves that gifts, wounds, trials, and blessings that have been handed to me.
The past year and a half has been a long, deep search for identity, purpose, and balance. All the while adjusting to the overwhelmingly amazing responsibility of keeping a little human being alive. I feel like...just now...I'm merely beginning to live the life I've been struggling to uncover. I'm afraid to rock the boat because God just began to calm the storm around me.
But when I celebrate other friends' new babies, the befuddling miracle of life, I can't help but wonder when the next child will make his or her way into our family. But the pressure from questions like "Are you guys only having one child?" or "When will Jack be a big brother?" can boil within me. Occasionally I'll feel inspired by them, but most often these questions make me want to run and hide or cry out in fear. The innocence of the question is impossible to respond to when my own insecurities overwhelm my thoughts within a single moment. I realize that most people assume that a happily married couple with one biological child MUST be planning on having at least one more. And surely this happy couple...like most...wouldn't want their children to be TOO far apart (gasp!). I've thought the same things myself about other couples, especially ones who have one child who is going on 5, 6, or 7. "Aren't they going to have more?" "Why are they waiting so long?" Before having a child myself, I never even thought to consider that perhaps Mom struggled with depression, her career is on hold, dad could get laid off, they need more time with child #1, they might be moving, Mom just got in shape again, they're not ready for midnight feedings, child #1 should be potty-trained, they can't afford it, or...they're Just. Not. Ready.
I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go through another postpartum experience. The truth is, though, I know...whenever it happens...it'll be different. Better. And I do want to give Jackson the irreplaceable experience of being a sibling. But, I will pursue it when it feels right. I believe God speaks to me through intuition. I can discern the difference between a Godly intuitive feeling from a superstitious, flippant one. And I am confident he will tell me very clearly who our child needs to be and when/how we are to pursue it.*
This has definitely given me perspective on how to handle unknowns. I hope to be more cautious and respectful when I ask loaded questions. And I hope to never ask a loaded question and pretend it's a casual one. Unless a person is an intimate friend, I have no access to the cobwebs and wounds that lie beneath their surface. And unless you're my intimate friend, you don't have access to mine. So, be careful what you ask.
And to my pregnant friends and to my amazing sister who gave life to my nephew 6 weeks ago, I'm so thankful God has given me not only YOU, but also your babies and bellies to love before he gives me another of my own.
* Josh and I have been in prayer and ask your partnership in prayer for whether our next child should be biological or adopted. God knows the answer; just pray for discernment, patience, and direction on our parts so that we can clearly hear His response.
There were things I loved about being pregnant, but my son is 18 months old and there isn't a single day...not one...where I'm not reminded of the difficulty of my pregnancy and the aftermath of my postpartum period. I have no interest in whining about it anymore. I don't even wish it was different. There is no way I could be the mother and person I am today if God didn't deliberately pull the rug out from under me. There's no way a controlling person can unlearn control unless it is taken from her. Completely. I feel like I started over, from scratch, rebuilding who I am, what's important to me, and where my life is going.
I can't say I've arrived at Who I'm Supposed to Be. I honestly don't think I ever will while Jesus is Lord (which, if you didn't know, is forever). I won't be That Person until I'm with Him. But, while I'm here, living the blessed life of Josh's wife, Jackson's mother, and everything else I am...I feel like I have recently found a wholeness that I couldn't feel before. Undoubtedly, this feeling is from and of God, but it also involves that gifts, wounds, trials, and blessings that have been handed to me.
The past year and a half has been a long, deep search for identity, purpose, and balance. All the while adjusting to the overwhelmingly amazing responsibility of keeping a little human being alive. I feel like...just now...I'm merely beginning to live the life I've been struggling to uncover. I'm afraid to rock the boat because God just began to calm the storm around me.
But when I celebrate other friends' new babies, the befuddling miracle of life, I can't help but wonder when the next child will make his or her way into our family. But the pressure from questions like "Are you guys only having one child?" or "When will Jack be a big brother?" can boil within me. Occasionally I'll feel inspired by them, but most often these questions make me want to run and hide or cry out in fear. The innocence of the question is impossible to respond to when my own insecurities overwhelm my thoughts within a single moment. I realize that most people assume that a happily married couple with one biological child MUST be planning on having at least one more. And surely this happy couple...like most...wouldn't want their children to be TOO far apart (gasp!). I've thought the same things myself about other couples, especially ones who have one child who is going on 5, 6, or 7. "Aren't they going to have more?" "Why are they waiting so long?" Before having a child myself, I never even thought to consider that perhaps Mom struggled with depression, her career is on hold, dad could get laid off, they need more time with child #1, they might be moving, Mom just got in shape again, they're not ready for midnight feedings, child #1 should be potty-trained, they can't afford it, or...they're Just. Not. Ready.
I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go through another postpartum experience. The truth is, though, I know...whenever it happens...it'll be different. Better. And I do want to give Jackson the irreplaceable experience of being a sibling. But, I will pursue it when it feels right. I believe God speaks to me through intuition. I can discern the difference between a Godly intuitive feeling from a superstitious, flippant one. And I am confident he will tell me very clearly who our child needs to be and when/how we are to pursue it.*
This has definitely given me perspective on how to handle unknowns. I hope to be more cautious and respectful when I ask loaded questions. And I hope to never ask a loaded question and pretend it's a casual one. Unless a person is an intimate friend, I have no access to the cobwebs and wounds that lie beneath their surface. And unless you're my intimate friend, you don't have access to mine. So, be careful what you ask.
And to my pregnant friends and to my amazing sister who gave life to my nephew 6 weeks ago, I'm so thankful God has given me not only YOU, but also your babies and bellies to love before he gives me another of my own.
* Josh and I have been in prayer and ask your partnership in prayer for whether our next child should be biological or adopted. God knows the answer; just pray for discernment, patience, and direction on our parts so that we can clearly hear His response.
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