Biology

I found out today that good friends of ours are pregnant with their second child. They're first child is 3. I discovered the news at church, when the husband was cradling a friend's 6 month old. He leaned over to tell me that he needed to get used to this again; he'd be cradling a lot in 6 months. I filled with glee, opened my arms to give them both a hug. The news of other people having a baby makes me elated. I watch my friends' pregnancies closer than I did my own not only because I love my friends as family; but also because there's a part of me that wants to live vicariously through them, possibly as a way to skip over my own experience of having to go through it again someday.

There were things I loved about being pregnant, but my son is 18 months old and there isn't a single day...not one...where I'm not reminded of the difficulty of my pregnancy and the aftermath of my postpartum period. I have no interest in whining about it anymore. I don't even wish it was different. There is no way I could be the mother and person I am today if God didn't deliberately pull the rug out from under me. There's no way a controlling person can unlearn control unless it is taken from her. Completely. I feel like I started over, from scratch, rebuilding who I am, what's important to me, and where my life is going.

I can't say I've arrived at Who I'm Supposed to Be. I honestly don't think I ever will while Jesus is Lord (which, if you didn't know, is forever). I won't be That Person until I'm with Him. But, while I'm here, living the blessed life of Josh's wife, Jackson's mother, and everything else I am...I feel like I have recently found a wholeness that I couldn't feel before. Undoubtedly, this feeling is from and of God, but it also involves that gifts, wounds, trials, and blessings that have been handed to me.

The past year and a half has been a long, deep search for identity, purpose, and balance. All the while adjusting to the overwhelmingly amazing responsibility of keeping a little human being alive. I feel like...just now...I'm merely beginning to live the life I've been struggling to uncover. I'm afraid to rock the boat because God just began to calm the storm around me.

But when I celebrate other friends' new babies, the befuddling miracle of life, I can't help but wonder when the next child will make his or her way into our family. But the pressure from questions like "Are you guys only having one child?" or "When will Jack be a big brother?" can boil within me. Occasionally I'll feel inspired by them, but most often these questions make me want to run and hide or cry out in fear. The innocence of the question is impossible to respond to when my own insecurities overwhelm my thoughts within a single moment. I realize that most people assume that a happily married couple with one biological child MUST be planning on having at least one more. And surely this happy couple...like most...wouldn't want their children to be TOO far apart (gasp!). I've thought the same things myself about other couples, especially ones who have one child who is going on 5, 6, or 7. "Aren't they going to have more?" "Why are they waiting so long?" Before having a child myself, I never even thought to consider that perhaps Mom struggled with depression, her career is on hold, dad could get laid off, they need more time with child #1, they might be moving, Mom just got in shape again, they're not ready for midnight feedings, child #1 should be potty-trained, they can't afford it, or...they're Just. Not. Ready.

I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go through another postpartum experience. The truth is, though, I know...whenever it happens...it'll be different. Better. And I do want to give Jackson the irreplaceable experience of being a sibling. But, I will pursue it when it feels right. I believe God speaks to me through intuition. I can discern the difference between a Godly intuitive feeling from a superstitious, flippant one. And I am confident he will tell me very clearly who our child needs to be and when/how we are to pursue it.*

This has definitely given me perspective on how to handle unknowns. I hope to be more cautious and respectful when I ask loaded questions. And I hope to never ask a loaded question and pretend it's a casual one. Unless a person is an intimate friend, I have no access to the cobwebs and wounds that lie beneath their surface. And unless you're my intimate friend, you don't have access to mine. So, be careful what you ask.

And to my pregnant friends and to my amazing sister who gave life to my nephew 6 weeks ago, I'm so thankful God has given me not only YOU, but also your babies and bellies to love before he gives me another of my own.



* Josh and I have been in prayer and ask your partnership in prayer for whether our next child should be biological or adopted. God knows the answer; just pray for discernment, patience, and direction on our parts so that we can clearly hear His response.